My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
