all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
