No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
