so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
