the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
