Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
