I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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