we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
