please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
