i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
