The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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