Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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