I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
