a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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