Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
