Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
soo... how was my night?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
