so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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