im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
