my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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