i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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