I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
