who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Randomize
