Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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