mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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