It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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