I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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