just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
