I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
