They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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