Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
