my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
