I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
