You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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