yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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