Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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