i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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