You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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