You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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