Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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