I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
