i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
