mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
