i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
you had me at cake vodka
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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