just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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