I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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