i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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