Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize