You made me cry and you don't even care
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
