my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
