I've blown a few things in my day
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
