Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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